


The Wall

by Rory_Croft



Category: One Direction
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-10
Updated: 2012-12-10
Packaged: 2017-11-20 18:54:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/588572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rory_Croft/pseuds/Rory_Croft
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For as long as Harry could remember, he had been in love with Louis.  He had always been able to keep his feelings in check, to maintain their friendship, until Louis went off to University and started dating Liam. With the realization that he might actually lose Louis, Harry is forced to confront his feelings for his best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Wall

Harry stood in the middle of the playground. Around him, the other kids were laughing and having fun, but he made no effort to join them. Instead, he stared at the sky, watching the clouds move and form different shapes. He smiled as two clouds merged and created what looked like a cat. He liked cats, and the cloud reminded him of Dusty, who was waiting for him at home.

A shrill giggle from across the playground brought Harry back into reality. He looked in the direction of the laugh. A boy whose hair fell onto his forehead was talking to a girl. He was smiling as he talked to the girl. Harry’s stomach twisted like it had when he saw Michael at his old school. His old friend, Kyle, told him you weren’t supposed to feel like that when you saw boys—only girls, he said, but sometimes Harry couldn’t help it. The boy glanced over the girl’s shoulder and caught Harry looking at him; Harry turned his attention back to the cat.

As the cat was torn apart by the wind, Harry rubbed his chest where the itchy patch of his uniform was irritating his skin. His brow furrowed, and he wondered why they had to wear the uniforms in the first place. Everyone looked the same. He had complained that morning that his old school never made him wear uniforms. His mom said it was the school’s rules, and he must follow them even if the shirt was itchy. At ten years old, he was in no position to argue with his mom or the school’s rules, so he put on the shirt.

Harry shifted his weight to the sides of his feet then fell back down on the soles as a new cluster of clouds came together. He tilted his head to the side and waited to see what it would become.

He never got to see though because before the cloud could take shape, an unseen force knocked him to the ground, dirtying his khaki trousers. Harry looked up from his place on the ground to see the boy from across the playground staring down at him with a smug grin and bright blue eyes. His arms were crossed over his chest, and behind him, a boy with darker skin stood snickering.

“You should watch where you’re going, new kid,” the boy said. “Got right in my way then.”

“I-I wasn’t moving,” Harry said, trying to get up. The boy stopped him with a swift push of his foot, sending Harry back into the dirt.

“Are you saying that I knocked you over on purpose?” the boy asked. “Did you hear that, Zayn? He thinks I knocked him over on purpose.”

“Ridiculous,” said the darker boy.

“I would never do such a thing,” the boy said, his grin widening.

“I didn’t mean—“ Harry started again, getting all the way up this time. He noticed that the boy was taller than him—probably in the year above him. Harry stared at his feet, suddenly intimidated.

“’Course you didn’t.” The boy reached out and pushed Harry down again. Zayn and the blue-eyed boy laughed as they turned and walked away. They didn’t bother looking back.

***

The next day, Harry sat on the edge of the playground and picked at the grass in front of him. He wore his black trousers because his mom had yelled at him for the grass marks on the khakis from the day before. He knew he could have told her about the boy. She wouldn’t have been mad. She probably would have hugged him and told him it would be ok, but he didn’t want her to worry about him like she did when he was at his other school.

“What are you doing?” A shadow fell over Harry, and he looked up to see the boy who pushed him standing in front of him. He didn’t have his friend with him this time, and his arms were hanging limply at his side, but Harry braced himself anyway, unsure of what might happen.

“Nothing,” Harry said.

“Come with me then,” the boy said. There was nothing in his voice to suggest he was a threat to Harry, but the dull pain in his tailbone told him to be wary of the boy’s offer.

“I don’t want to,” he said, turning his attention back to the grass.

“Sure you do,” the boy said. He turned on his heel and started across the playground. He looked over his shoulder when he noticed Harry wasn’t following. He rolled his eyes. “I’m not going to hurt you. Come on.”

Harry looked around. When he saw that no one was watching them, and that no one was hiding behind the slide to jump out at him, he got up and followed the boy. They walked in silence off the playground. The further they got away, the more nervous Harry became. He was sure they weren’t supposed to go this far. He didn’t ask, though. He wasn’t looking to get pushed over again.

They finally came to a stop on the side of the building across from the playground. Harry could still hear the other kids playing, and he was sure that he could run and make it on time when the bell rang. He tried to relax, which was hard with the boy staring at him with narrowed eyes. They weren’t narrowed into a glare; it was more like the boy was tying to figure Harry out.

“’S all right,” the boy said. He smiled weakly. “I’ve never been caught. They hardly pay attention as long as you’re back in time.”

“Oh,” was all Harry said.

“I’m Louis, by the way,” he said.

Harry eyed him suspiciously. “Why did you bring me here?” he asked. He took a step back when Louis pushed himself off the wall.

“Will you stop flinching whenever I move?” he demanded. “I’m not going to hit you, for Christ’s sake. I felt bad for pushing you yesterday, all right? Jeez, you can go if you want.”

Louis’ shoulders slumped, and he slid down the wall. Harry sat down in front of him because Louis looked sad all of a sudden, and it wasn’t in Harry’s nature to leave someone when they were sad. Even if that someone had almost made him cry the previous day.

“Aren’t you going to go?” Louis asked.

“No,” Harry said.

“Why not?”

Harry shrugged. He chewed on his lower lip. “I’m Harry,” he said after a moment. 

Louis brightened, his smile widening slightly. “Did I hurt you? Yesterday, I mean,” he asked.

Harry nodded. “Only a little bit though,” he said, not wanting Louis to feel too badly. “I’ve had worse. The boys at my old school were a lot meaner.”

“How?”

Harry licked his lip and swallowed. He couldn’t tell Louis why he was beaten up so badly before he moved schools. His mom told him it was best that he didn’t tell anyone, or act like he did in his old school. She looked sad when she said it, but he knew it was for his own good.

“They just hit me a lot,” Harry said. “Usually in my face. Busted my lip a couple times.”

“Why?” Louis asked.

“Didn’t like me, I guess,” Harry said. It wasn’t the whole truth, but it was enough to where he didn’t feel like he was lying. “It’s why I came here.”

“I’m sorry I pushed you,” Louis said.

“It’s all right.”

Louis didn’t say anything else, so neither did Harry. He stared at Louis, though. He tried to ignore the way his stomach pulled, but the longer he watched him, the harder it was to push down. He was relieved when the bell rang.

Both boys jumped up, and Harry was about to make a run for the building when Louis’ hand wrapped around his wrist and spun him around. The older boy’s lips connected with his only briefly then they were gone, and Louis was running across to the building. Harry stayed, glued to his spot, still feeling Louis’ lips on his. He didn’t even try to untie the knots in his stomach.

***

Harry jumped when he slammed his locked shut, and Louis was standing next to him. His books slipped in his grasp, but he managed not to drop them. Louis laughed at his side, his blue eyes shining under the harsh lights of the hallway.

“What have I told you?” Harry demanded as they started down the hall. They expertly dodged the crowds of people. “Don’t fucking sneak up on me in the mornings. It’s too early for that crap.”

“Sorry, Haz,” Louis said, teasingly poking Harry’s neck, causing the younger man to duck from under this touch.

“No, you’re not,” Harry said.

“No, I’m not,” Louis said. They parted to get around a group of girls who were huddled in the hall. When they came back together, Louis hooked his arm with Harry’s. “So you’re skipping your second half today.”

“I can’t,” Harry said, even though he knew it was useless. Louis’ hand was gripping his forearm, making the skin under his sleeve burn. He rarely ever said no to Louis.

“Harry,” Louis said, stopping him in his tracks. “Do you have any idea what today is?”

Harry rubbed his temple. There was no way he couldn’t know what today was. Louis was a walking countdown to every holiday, whether it was national or self-created.

“Do we really have to celebrate the day you pushed me into the dirt and made me cry?” Harry asked just like he had every year.

“You didn’t cry,” Louis clarified. “You almost cried. I’ve never made you cry. And yes, we do. We’ve been friends seven years. That’s no small feat.”

“Especially with you,” Harry said. The corners of his mouth tugged up when Louis glared at him.

“Anyway,” Louis said pointedly. “You’re skipping class and coming with me.”

“Lou…”

“Come on, Harry,” Louis whined. “This is our last year to celebrate together—for a while at least since I’m going to uni next year.”

Harry swallowed thickly, ignoring the lump that formed in his throat every time Louis talked about going to university. Sure, he poked fun at Louis a lot, but he was Harry’s best friend, and the thought of being without him made him feel sick.

“Fine,” Harry said, finally giving in. “I’ll meet you in the car park, yeah?”

“Course,” Louis said. “Bye, Haz.” Harry watched Louis saunter down the hall, shaking his head and laughing at the fact that some people still didn’t know Louis was gay.

***

“While I admire you dedication to tradition, I think we’re getting a little old to be wandering around a primary school during the day,” Harry said as they walked down the street to their old school.

“Please,” Louis said. “When have we ever gotten caught?” He shot Harry his mischievous grin over his shoulder. Harry stuffed his hands in his pockets and followed him because, of course, Louis was right. Never in any of their days in primary school, nor any of the times they’ve come back, had they ever gotten caught.

Louis sat leaning against the wall of the building, and Harry sat down in front of him as he always did. Louis dug around in his bag and pulled out two sandwiches and two bags of crisps. Harry took one of each and opened the bag of crisps.

“You’re too good to me, Tomlinson,” Harry said.

“Well it’s our last year, so I figured I’d go out with a bang,” he said with a smile. Harry frowned and picked at the nonexistent crust of his sandwich. Louis had already cut it off, just the way Harry liked it.

“Why do you keep saying it’s our last?” Harry asked. “We’re still going to be friends when you leave. We just won’t be here…together. Right?”

“Of course, we are, Harry,” Louis said, resting his hand on Harry’s knee. “You’ll always be my best friend. I just mean we won’t be here like we always have been, you know? I’ll be two hours away.”

“You won’t come down?” Harry asked, daring to meet Louis’ eyes. Louis smirked at him.

“Thought you hated celebrating the day I pushed you in the dirt,” Louis said.

“Technically, it’s the day after you pushed me in the dirt,” Harry corrected. “It’s the day you kissed me and left me confused as fuck.”

Louis shrugged and chewed slowly. “Better than pushing you in the dirt.”

“I’m not so sure,” Harry joked, earning him a kick in the shin. He smiled, but it fell from his lips. “Will you really not come back though? For today?”

“I can’t know what I’m going to be doing in a year’s time,” Louis said. “But I’ll try really hard.”

“Promise?” Harry asked.

“Cross my heart,” Louis said.

They continued eating while talking about trivial things like how Zayn was caught snogging with the new kid from Ireland on the football field. They stayed by the building until it was almost time for school to let out. They gathered their trash and threw it into Louis’ bag; Harry made a mental note to clean out Louis’ bag later.

Before they left, Louis grabbed Harry’s arm and smiled before pressing his lips to Harry’s just like he had been doing for seven years. Unlike the first time, Harry was ready for it and pressed back against Louis’ soft lips. With every year that passed, the turning in his stomach grew tighter and tighter, but when they pulled away, Louis had on that silly grin that told Harry that he wasn’t feeling the same thing. It didn’t matter though. Louis was his friend, and that was enough.

***

Harry received a phone call from Louis’ mom the night before her son was supposed to leave for university. She told Harry, in a mild panic, that she couldn’t find Louis, and he wasn’t answering his phone.

“I’ll find him, Jay,” Harry said, getting out of his bed and pulling on the nearest pair of jeans. He pushed his phone into his pocket and grabbed his car keys. He left a note on his desk in case his mom woke up and came to check on him.

It was close to one in the morning, but Harry had a feeling where Louis would be. He stopped by the building and got out. He saw a dark figure sitting against the wall, so he walked over. He slid down next to Louis who had his knees pulled to his chest.

“I was sleeping,” Harry said. “You should really answer her texts or something.”

“Sorry,” Louis said. He rested his head on Harry’s shoulder.

“What’s wrong?” Harry asked as he texted Louis’ mom and told her that her son was ok. Harry shrugged his shoulder to get Louis’ attention. The older man groaned. “Come on. Out with it. I have to be up early tomorrow to see you off, remember?”

“What if I took a year?” Louis asked. “I could get a job, work until you graduate then we can go together, and get a flat just like we always planned.”

“Well, considering you can’t keep a job for more than a month, I see a pretty big flaw in your plan,” Harry said. Louis jabbed him in the side. Harry laughed and wrapped an arm around his friend. “We’re still going to get a flat together and do all that stuff. Just not right now.”

“I don’t want to go.”

“Sure, you do,” Harry said. “You’re just scared, which is weird because that’s usually my job.”

“I’m going to miss you,” Louis said. It was always weird how fragile Louis sounded in the darkness. Harry rubbed his back gently.

“I’m going to miss you, too,” Harry said. “A lot. I actually try not to think about it. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but you have to go, Lou. It’s only two hours. And remember, we found that nice place where we can meet in the middle? It’s going to be fine.”

“What if I don’t make any friends?”

“That’s impossible,” Harry said. “You pushed me on the ground and still managed to keep me as a friend.”  
“You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?” Louis asked. He cuddled into Harry’s side and snaked his arms around Harry’s waist. “I only did it because I thought you were cute.”

“Yeah, I know.” Harry ran his fingers through Louis’ hair and pulled it back from his forehead. He kissed his head, and Louis sighed contently. “You’re going to be fine.”

“I love you, Hazza.”

“I love you, too, Lou Lou.”

“Don’t replace me, ok?” Louis tilted his head up and looked at Harry with wide eyes, his worry was etched in the crinkles at the corners. The light from the street lamp was barely reaching them. It creeped over Louis’ delicate features, highlighting his bone structure and creating shadows from his hair. Harry reached out and gently traced the pattern on his cheek.

“That’s impossible.”

***

“Harry, you will never believe what happened to me last night!” Louis said excitedly. Harry was lying back on his bed and fiddling with one of his throw pillows. Louis had been gone for two months, and it was the longest they had been apart since they had been friends. Louis schedule was proving to be more difficult to work around than they had anticipated.

“What happened?” Harry asked.

“So I went to this party, right?” Louis began. “And it was crowded and really quite boring since you know I’m not drinking as much anymore because I’m super responsible and stuff. Anyway, I was about to leave when I ran into this guy.”

“A guy?” Harry asked. He swallowed.

“Yeah,” Louis continued. “He’s super hot, Haz. I’ll send you a picture when we hang up. Anyway, his name is Liam. He’s really sweet and funny. He kind of reminds me of you a bit, honestly.”

“Replacing me?” Harry asked, only half joking. Actual fear started to build in his stomach as he turned onto his side and clutched his pillow to his chest.

“No, course not,” Louis said, sounding appalled. “We did make out, though.”

“Oh, really?” Harry asked. A ball formed in his throat. He tried to swallow, but it didn’t go away. Part of him knew this day would come, the day when Louis found someone he liked. When they were in school together, Louis never showed any interest in anyone. He was content cuddling with Harry on the weekends and sometimes kissing if they got really drunk.

“Yeah,” Louis said. “We’re going out again tonight. I’m actually getting ready right now. I’ve never gone on a proper date before. I’m really nervous.”

“Why? You’ve already snogged him,” Harry said. He stared at the picture that was framed on his nightstand. It was taken that summer. Harry was sitting between Louis’ legs on his back deck. Louis’ arms were draped around Harry’s waist. Harry could practically feel the pressure of Louis’ chin resting on his shoulder and the warmth of his body pressed against him.

“Yeah, but that’s the easy part,” Louis whined. “What if he doesn’t like me once he gets to know me?”

“Don’t be yourself,” Harry advised. “It’ll be your downfall.”

“You’re the worst friend in the history of the world.”

“Lou, listen,” Harry said. He closed his eyes and rubbed them with his forefinger and thumb. He turned onto his back and stared at the ceiling. “You’re the nicest, funniest, most genuine, gorgeous person I’ve ever met. If he can’t see that, than you don’t need to be with him.”

“Aw, Haz! You really mean it?”

“I mean at least half of it.”

“Ass,” Louis said, but Harry could hear him smiling. In the distance, there was a knock. “Fuck. That’s him. I have to go. I’ll call you after, yeah?”

Harry didn’t have a chance to respond before Louis hung up. Harry stared at the blank screen.

His phone lit up, displaying a picture of a young man with shining brown eyes and short brown hair. “Pretty good, right?” the text underneath read. Harry groaned and threw his phone to the side because yeah, he was pretty good.

***

Harry sat against the wall of the school building as the sun began to sink. It was Louis’ spot, he knew, but his back was starting to hurt from slouching. He checked his phone and balled up the bag, which used to contain the sandwich Harry had made for Louis. He frowned when he saw his screen was blank. He sighed and pushed the phone back in his pocket. He should have known better, but Louis said he would be there, so Harry had waited.

Harry finally gave up and pushed himself off the wall. He didn’t want to be mad at Louis, but after almost three months of not seeing each other, he couldn’t help but feel let down. As he brushed off his pants, he heard the grass crunching at his side. He looked up and saw Louis standing a couple feet away with open arms and his bright smile.

Harry felt like he was going to explode. He ran to Louis, flinging his arm around his friend’s shoulders and burying his nose in his neck. Louis laughed and held him. Louis smelled different, more sweet than Harry remembered, and his biceps were a bit larger, but he was still Louis, and he was holding Harry, and Harry couldn’t remember the last time he felt that happy.

“I thought you weren’t going to show up,” Harry mumbled against Louis’ skin.

“Hazza, when have I ever lied to you?” Louis asked. “We just had some car trouble.”

Harry leaned back so he could look at Louis who still had his hands firmly at Harry’s waist. “We?” he asked. Louis’ face lit up.

“I brought Liam with me,” he said. “I’m always talking about you, and I really want you to meet him, Haz. He’s so amazing. I really like him.”

“Yeah, I know,” Harry said, wiggling from Louis’ grasp.

“Anyway, he’s just talking to his mom. He’ll be over in a second.”

“You brought him here?” Harry asked, trying not to sound as disgusted as he felt. This was their place. They had never brought anyone here—not even Zayn or Niall.

“Well, yeah,” Louis said. He twisted his hands together and pulled on his little finger. He watched Harry with cautious eyes. “I couldn’t just tell him to wait in the car.”

“You could have taken him home first.”

“I wanted to see you though. I was impatient. I didn’t think it would be a big deal,” Louis said. His smile dulled until there was nothing left of it. 

“It’s—it’s not, Lou,” Harry said with a sigh. He ran his hand through his curls and forced a smile. “I’m sorry. I just missed you is all.”

“I’m here all weekend, Harry,” Louis said, sounding cheerful once again. “And I missed you, too. You know I did.”

Harry nodded, but didn’t respond. He could have told Louis that he never seemed like he missed him when they spent hours on the phone talking about Liam. Louis rarely even asked him about his life anymore. Whenever there was silence on the phone, Louis filled it with stories of parties or what Liam’s lips felt like. Harry had known that when Louis went away, things would be different, but he didn’t think he would lose his best friend.

“Look!” Louis said. He shuffled over to Harry’s side and bumped him with his shoulder. “Here he comes. Doesn’t he look gorgeous in that coat? I bought it for him. You should have seen the jacket he had before. Absolute wreck. I told him I wouldn’t be seen with him.”

“Yeah, it’s nice,” Harry said. Liam was taller than he looked in the pictures Louis had sent him. He was more built, too. Even in the dark, Harry could see the faint outlines of his biceps through the sleeves of the black coat. His hair was short, pushed up in the front (no doubt Louis’ doing), and he wore a smile that made it hard for Harry to dislike him.

“It’s bloody freezing out here,” Liam said. He wrapped his arm around Louis’ waist and pulled him from Harry’s side. Louis leaned into him, draping his arm on Liam’s shoulder.

“It’s November, darling,” Louis said. “It happens.” Liam made a mocking face, which Louis returned then giggled. Harry could feel the bile burning in his throat because Louis actually giggled. “Li, this is my Harry. Harry, this is my Liam.”

“Really good to meet you,” Liam said, holding out a gloved hand. Harry took it and shook it gingerly. “Louis never stops going on about you. Thought you two were dating when I first met him.”

“Ha! He actually thought we were dating, Harry!” Louis laughed. “How brilliant is that?”

“Pretty brilliant, Lou,” Harry said quietly.

“Come on, let’s get out of here, yeah?” Louis said. He held out a hand for Harry. He smiled when Harry took it. “Aren’t I the luckiest boy in the world? I have both my favorite boys.”

Harry smiled politely and let Louis pull him from their spot. He expected Louis to stop because he always stopped. For seven years, he stopped, but this year, he kept going, resting his head on Liam’s shoulder as they walked. Harry looked over his shoulder longingly, trying to remember what Louis’ lips tasted like.

***

When Louis left after that weekend, Harry was almost happy to see him go. There was only so much snogging he could watch before he was over it, and Liam and Louis filled his quota for the year. He had hugged Louis briefly before he left and barely met his eyes. They both knew something was wrong, but neither of them was willing to bring it up.

“I’ll call you, yeah?” Louis had said. Harry nodded, but when Louis called later that night, he ignored it. In retrospect, maybe he shouldn’t have. Maybe if he hadn’t ignored that first call, he wouldn’t have ignored the second and the third. Then maybe Louis would have kept calling and their communication wouldn’t have been limited to formal emails with awkwardly placed smiley faces.

By the time Louis was set to come home for winter holiday, Harry wasn’t even looking forward to seeing him. He could only imagine how uncomfortable the conversation would be. That’s why when his mom told him Louis was on the phone for him, he told her to tell him he was sleeping.

“Harry, why are you doing this?” she asked. “He’s been your best friend for years.” She sat down on the bed and rubbed his back. “And you’re clearly miserable without him, so why don’t you just talk to him?”

“Mom, it’s not that simple,” Harry said even though it was that simple, and he was just a coward.

“It’s about the boy, isn’t it? Liam, right?” she asked. Harry flipped onto his back and looked at her. “Harry, you’re my son. Don’t you think I pay attention?”

Harry just shrugged. He never discussed his sexuality with his mother. He figured she already kind of knew after what happened before he transferred schools.

“Maybe you should just tell him,” she suggested. Harry looked at her like she was insane. “Louis loves you. Even if he doesn’t feel the same, at least you won’t have to carry it around like you have been. Maybe then you can get back to normal.”

“But I want him to feel the same,” Harry admitted. His mom sighed and kissed his forehead.

“I know, sweetie,” she said. She got up from the bed. “Just answer the phone, Harry, ok?”

Once she was out of the room, Harry picked up the phone. “Hello?” he said.

“Hey, Haz,” Louis answered quietly. “I got in yesterday.”

“I know,” Harry said. Out of instinct, Harry turned his head to his nightstand, but there was nothing there. He had moved the picture to the closet a couple weeks before.

“Want to go do something? I miss you.” Louis voice had that vulnerability it had when they used to lay in the dark and shared secrets. It made Harry’s heart ache.

“Yeah. I miss you, too,” he said.

“The wall?” Louis asked hopefully.

“It’s really cold, Lou.” Harry got up from his bed and walked to his closet. He pushed the hangers aside as he looked for a jacket. He pulled his black one off its hanger and threw it onto his bed. He was about to pull the string to turn off the closet light when the corner of the frame caught his eye. He grabbed it. He felt it had been taken years ago, like he didn’t even know the people in the picture anymore.

“But…please?”

Harry sighed and placed the picture back on the shelf and pulled the string. “Yeah, sure. Twenty?” he asked.

“I’ll be there.”

***

When Harry got to the building, Louis was already leaning against the wall, bundled in his coat and scarf. He smiled when he saw Harry approaching. Anticipation bubbled in Harry’s stomach as he got closer. Their hug was tight and short. When they pulled apart, Harry took a couple steps back and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

“You look good,” Harry said. Louis had cut his hair shorter on the sides. His fringe fell sloppily onto his forehead in a way that had to have been manufactured.

“Thanks. So do you,” Louis said.

Harry laughed softly because he looked the same he had always looked. “How’s Liam?” he said. He didn’t particularly care, but it seemed like the right thing to ask.

“He’s good,” Louis said. “He’s coming down after Christmas for New Year’s and stuff.”

“That’s nice.”

“That’s when we’re celebrating my birthday,” he said. “Party at my house. Just family. Mostly. You’re gonna come, right?”

“Yeah,” Harry said, nodding and kicking at the snow. “I mean, unless mom has made plans or something, you know?”

The toe of Harry’s show dug into the snow and flung it to the side. He couldn’t look at Louis. It was like they had rewound eight years, and Harry had just been pushed in the dirt. He was on edge, unsure what to say. The tension could be seen in every puff of breath that escaped Louis’ lips.

“Yeah, of course.” Louis was chewing on his lip and watching Harry move the snow around with his feet.

Louis was going to avoid the real problem because he always did; he always expected things to work out, or for Harry to be the first one to crack. Maybe Harry was really angry or maybe he was being incredibly stubborn, but he wasn’t going to give in this time.

“What did I do, Harry?” Louis asked suddenly.

Harry’s head snapped up and he met Louis’ eyes. “What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean,” Louis said. “You stopped taking my calls, you barely write. Even now, you won’t look at me. I miss you.”

“You have Liam,” Harry said, sounding more bitter than he would have liked.

“Is that what this is about?” Louis asked. “Liam? You know he can never replace you, right? You’re my best friend. I’ve been destroyed without you. You know, when I first moved up there, I had a countdown until you graduated and can move in with me?”

“Yeah, well…”

“No! Just because Liam’s part of my life doesn’t mean you’re any less to me,” Louis insisted. “If anything, you’re more. This is really scary, Haz, and I need you.”

“Why’d you bring him here, Lou?” Harry asked. Louis looked confused. “Here.” Harry gestured to the space around them. “Why did you bring here? To our place?”

“If I knew it would have bothered you so much, I wouldn’t have,” Louis said, practically begging. “I didn’t think it was a big deal. I really didn’t.”

“Wasn’t a big deal?” Harry said, his voice raising. “ This is ours! This is where I told you about that boy beating the shit out of me because I tried to kiss him. This is where you told me you were gay, and we both cried because it was fucking terrifying to not be like everyone else. This is where you found me after Gemma was in that accident, and we didn’t know if she was going to be ok, and you held me until I was ready to go. This is where you told me your mom was leaving your dad, and I spent hours convincing you it wasn’t your fault.

“This,” he continued, his eyes now full of tears. “Is where you kissed me for the first time. This is where I fell in love with you, so forgive me if I think it’s kind of a big deal.”

“Harry, I—you love me?” Louis asked. He took a step toward Harry, but Harry backed away.

“Yeah, because I’m a pathetic cliché,” he said. He wiped his face quickly because he was so mad that he was crying.

“Harry, you’re not—“

“You just shouldn’t have brought him here,” Harry said. His cheeks burned as the wind cut through the wet paths. “I would have been fine. I’ve always been fine, but you shouldn’t have brought him here.”

“I didn’t know…you know, I love—“ Louis reached his hand out like he was going to touch Harry’s cheek, but Harry moved away. Louis dropped his hand to his side; every part of Harry was cold and all he wanted to do was grab Louis’ hand and press it against his cheek to get rid of the chill.

“Don’t, ok? It’s really ok,” Harry said. His heart was beating so fast that he thought it might actually burst from his chest.

“I don’t want to lose you,” Louis said softly. He was crying now too, and Harry couldn’t help but smile because they were grown men crying at a primary school in the middle of winter.

“Do you love him?” Harry asked; he wanted to sound confident, but his voice betrayed him, wavering as he spoke. “Like properly love him?”

“I-I think so,” Louis said. He shrugged is shoulder up and dragged it across his cheek. “I mean, I don’t know. I just know that he makes me happy even when I don’t want to be, which has been a lot lately. Uni is hard, and I didn’t have you, but he was there for me. Yeah. Yeah, I really do love him.”

“He loves you too, then?”

Louis smiled a little. “Yeah, I think he does.”

Harry nodded and ignored the sinking feeling in his stomach. “That’s all that matters then,” he said. “I just want you to be happy.”

“I’d be happier if I had my best friend back.” Louis nudged his shoulder gently.

“Me too,” Harry admitted. He opened his arms, and Louis fell into them. Louis hid his nose in Harry’s neck, and Harry ran his hands up Louis’ back. He sighed as his fingers felt through the coat and glided over Louis’ shoulders. They stood like that for a while; it might have been because they were cold, but more likely it was because Harry had missed how perfectly Louis fit in his arms. Eventually, Louis pulled back. Harry was happy to see him smiling. Louis always looked really cute in the winter with this flushed cheeks and pouty lips.

“Want to go to the café?” Louis asked, his hands still on Harry’s shoulders. “I’ve been dying for a proper latte. The one on campus is complete shit.”

“How have you survived?” Harry asked, rolling his eyes. Louis pulled away and started down to the road.

“Well, there’s this one place a little ways from campus,” Louis explained as they walked. “But Liam is always saying it’s too far to go for coffee. He doesn’t drink coffee, so he doesn’t really understand. So basically, once a week, I drive thirty minutes by myself to get coffee.”

“Lou, that’s really, really sad,” Harry said, barely containing his laugh. Louis glared at him, but his eyes were full of amusement.

“Shut up,” Louis said, bumping his shoulder. “It won’t be sad next year though because you’ll go with me.”

“I will?”

“Course you will,” Louis said. “Oh, and I found this great little flat just off campus. It’s literally perfect, Harry. I put a hold on it. You’ll have to come down and look at it and sign the papers when you turn eighteen, but I think you’ll really love it.”

“You still want to move in with me?” Harry asked. They were stopped next to his car. He leaned against the hood. Louis’ face scrunched.

“Obviously.”

“I just thought you and Liam…”

“Harry, please,” Louis said. “We’ve only been together a few months. I’m not going to sign a lease with him. You taught me better than that. Plus, we had plans. Plans that included you moving in with me and making me breakfast in the morning so I don’t starve to death.”

“How have you been eating, by the way?”

“Ugh, Liam’s like a health nut, so I eat fruit and vegetables all the time,” he groaned. “Yet another reason why you have to move in with me: so I can have junk food in the house without him yelling at me.”

“Well, the new diet is working out kind of well for you,” Harry said, poking Louis’ arm.

Louis looked at his arms and shrugged. “Yeah, I guess, I’m kind of hot.”

Harry laughed. “That’s the most humble thing you’ve ever said.”

“Shut up and take me to get coffee.”

“Meet you there.” Harry climbed in his car and watched Louis get into his. After Louis pulled away, Harry sat there for a moment and just breathed. His mom was right; he did feel better, but he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t imagined it differently. The large, very delusional, part of this brain had still expected Louis to wrap him in his arms and kiss him until he couldn’t breathe.

His phone buzzed in his pocket: Harry. It’s literally right up the street. Where are you?

Harry smiled and typed a quick reply before starting his car. At least he had his friend back. It was enough before, and he was confident it could be enough again.

***

Louis was right, as he so often was, about the flat. It was perfect, with two bedrooms and a big living room that they filled with furniture that didn’t match. There was only one bathroom, and the kitchen was kind of small, but that was ok since Harry was the only one who used it anyway—unless Liam was over, which he so often was. Harry had joked that they should probably start charging him rent.

Louis was pretty good about his relationship with Liam. He was never overly affectionate with Liam in front of Harry. They never mentioned that night at the wall or what Harry had said, but sometimes when Liam kissed Louis’ neck, Harry could see the concern in Louis’ eyes as they peered over Liam’s shoulder. Harry always had to look away and remind himself that as long as Louis was happy, so was he. And Liam really was a good guy.

Harry was relieved when his class let out early. He had been up until the morning the night before studying for the test he had in his first class. He felt confident that he passed, but he was dead tired and just want to go to sleep. It seemed to take him forever to get up the stairs to his flat. As he pushed the door open, he didn’t even register Liam’s low moans coming from the couch.

“Harry!” Louis yelped. “What are you doing home?”

Harry, in his tired stupor, couldn’t tear his eyes from the scene in his living room. Liam sitting half naked on his couch with Louis knelt between his legs, his lips red and swollen. Louis grabbed his shirt from the floor and threw it over his boyfriend. Harry snapped his eyes closed.

“Sorry,” he said. “Class let out early. I should have texted you…I’m just going to go to bed. Sorry.”

He hurried from the room and closed his door behind him. He could hear Liam and Louis bickering, so he covered his head with his pillow. As tired as he was, he couldn’t fall asleep. Whenever he closed his eyes, all he saw were Louis’ irritated lips, and he couldn’t help but imagine what it must look like from Liam’s perspective…

“Harry?” Louis asked as he pushed open the door. He didn’t wait for Harry’s permission to come in. Harry stayed laid on his stomach. The bed depressed next to him as Louis sat down. “I’m sorry, Harry. We shouldn’t have been in the living room like that.”

“It’s your flat too,” Harry said, tossing the pillow off his head and looking up at Louis. “I hope you finished at least. I’d feel really bad for him.”

Louis smiled tightly. “He can manage,” he said. “But you do live here. You shouldn’t have to text me when you’re coming home so I can make sure Liam’s dressed. It’s not fair to you, and I know that you…well.”

“Louis, it’s really not that big of a deal,” Harry said. “I’ve dealt with it for almost nine years. Really. I’m just tired.”

“What do you mean you’ve dealt with it?”

“You know what I’m talking about,” Harry said. “We’ve had this conversation. You’re happy with Liam. I’m happy when you’re happy. One day, I’ll find a nice boy, and we’ll all live happily ever after, ok?”

“Yeah, yeah, all right,” Louis said. He stroked Harry’s hair absentmindedly. Harry’s eyes drifted closed, and he was almost asleep when Louis spoke again. “Why didn’t you ever tell me? Before that night, I mean. You could have told me.”

“Would it have made a difference?” Harry asked.

“I don’t know,” Louis said hesitantly. “Maybe.”

Harry opened his eyes and met Louis’. “Don’t do that, Louis,” he said firmly. “It’s just really mean, so don’t.” He pulled his pillow under his head and turned away from Louis. “You should probably go back to your boyfriend now.”

The bed shifted as Louis moved. He leaned over Harry. “You remember why I pushed you, right?” he asked. He didn’t wait for an answer. He kissed Harry cheek and pushed his nose into the soft flesh then left the room.

Harry stared at the wall, thinking about what Louis could have possibly meant. He didn’t fall asleep.

***

Louis made sure to keep Liam away from the flat after that, but that usually meant that he either didn’t come home or he came home late, and Harry didn’t see him as much. Sometimes it felt like he lived alone.

Harry was watching TV on the couch, careful not to sit in the spot where Liam’s bare ass had been the previous month. The front door opened to his left. Louis dropped his bag on the floor and plopped onto the couch next to Harry. He rested his head on the younger man’s thigh and closed his eyes.

“So we’re going home tomorrow, yeah?” he asked. “I already emailed my teachers and told them I wasn’t coming in.”

“I have a test Friday,” Harry said.

“I know,” Louis said. “Just for tomorrow. We’ll come home after.”

“That’s four hours of driving, Lou,” Harry pointed out.

“But it’s tradition,” Louis whined. “We’ve never missed a year.”

“What about Liam?”

“You weren’t there on our anniversary, so why should he be there for ours?” Louis asked with a shrug. “Plus, we’re not on the best terms at the moment.”

“What happened?” Harry asked.

“Nothing. Everything. We’re just fighting a lot,” Louis said. His voice caught in the back of his throat like he was having trouble speaking; his shoulders tensed. He fingered the hole in Harry’s pajama bottoms. Harry slapped his hand away.

“I’m sure it will pass.” He rubbed Louis’ shoulder until it relaxed.

“Yeah. Me too,” Louis said, not sounding very positive. “So tomorrow then?”

“Yeah. I guess.”

***

Louis made the sandwiches, and Harry bought the crisps, and they drove two hours to the wall. As Louis took his seat by the building, Harry noticed that he didn’t look very happy.

“What’s wrong?” Harry asked. He tossed Louis one of the bags of crisps. He opened his own and popped one in his mouth.

“I think I’m going to break up with Liam,” Louis said.

“What?” Harry asked, his eyes widening. “But you love him.”

“I do,” Louis said. “But not like I used to. I don’t know. It just feels…different. I just don’t think he’s what I want anymore, and it’s not fair to string him along, you know?”

Harry nodded. “What do you want then?” he asked.

“I really don’t know anymore, Harry. I really don’t.” Louis tugged at his sleeves and pulled his knees to his chest. He looked at Harry as if he held all the answers Louis was looking for.

“That’s ok,” Harry said. “You’re still young. You don’t have to know what you want yet.”

“Yeah, I guess,” he said. He reached for his sandwich and starting tearing pieces off. “But I don’t want to talk about that. Did Zayn tell you? Him and Niall are moving in together.”

“Yeah, Niall called me the other day,” Harry said. “Wants up to come over for the housewarming. He’s like a fucking housewife.”

Louis laughed. “It feels like just yesterday they were getting caught fooling around on the field.”

“I know. We didn’t even know Niall then,” Harry said. “Remember? We thought he was too loud and that Zayn would never stay with him.”

“Should have known how gone he was when he moved to Ireland,” Louis said. “They’re like really good together, though. Like Niall is everything Zayn isn’t and vice versa. They just…fit.”

“I suppose.”

“It’s not like me and Liam,” he continued. “I mean, yeah he has qualities that I don’t, but it’s not…I don’t know. It’s not the same, I guess. I can’t be with him for long periods of time without getting annoyed by how anal he is about everything. And then there’s the whole only eating healthy and going to the gym thing. Like, sometimes I just want to eat chocolate and watch bad movies.”

“Thought you didn’t want to talk about Liam,” Harry said, quirking an eyebrow. “Plus, I watch bad movies with you. It’s what you have friends for.”

“Yeah, but Niall and Zayn, they compromise. It’s never just what Zayn wants or what Niall wants,” Louis said. He picked at his sandwich, but didn’t eat it. “Isn’t that how it should be?”

“They’ve been together for years, Lou,” Harry insisted. “It’s not something that happens overnight. Remember when we first started hanging out and all you wanted to do was play football?”

“And all you want to do was lay in the grass?” Louis asked with a smile. Harry nodded. “But we compromised. It didn’t take us years.”

“Ok. That was bad example,” Harry admitted. “We’re different though. We’re not like you and Liam.”

“I know,” Louis said. He put his sandwich back in its bag and threw it to the side. He pulled his coat tighter around him to brace himself from the chill. “We’re easier. We don’t take any effort. We just are.”

“We always have been.” Harry was watching him, unsure of why Louis looked so sad.

“Harry…Harry, I’m really confused,” Louis said after a few moments of silence. He didn’t meet Harry’s eyes. He started pulling at the grass. “I have been for a while, and I don’t know what to do.”

“So talk to me,” Harry said. “It’s what I’m here for.”

“See, though, that’s the thing,” Louis said. “You’re always here for me. Always. No matter what—except for that month last year and that was the absolute worst time in my life. I’ve never felt so empty and alone as I did when I didn’t have you, Haz.

Then we came here and we talked and you said—you know what you said,” Louis continued. Harry swallowed thickly and waited for Louis to go on. “And it was fine until you moved in because before you weren’t there all the time, and I could just go back to being with Liam like I had been. Then you were there, and sometimes you just look at me when I’m with him, and I feel so guilty.”

“I’m—I’m sorry. I don’t mean to…” Harry stammered.

“No, it’s ok,” Louis said. He looked up and locked eyes with Harry. “I guess it was just easier to ignore when you weren’t there. And I wanted to ignore it because Liam is so good and so amazing, and he deserves better than this. He doesn’t deserve to constantly be compared with you because he always has been since the day I met him. Even though I never say it out loud, I know he knows, but he doesn’t leave me, which I don’t understand. How could you be with someone who wants someone else so desperately? How can you stay with someone when you know you’re never going to match up? And I’m literally the worse person for making him feel like that,” Louis said. His blue eyes brimmed with tears, and he looked back down at the ground. Harry wiped the stray drops from Louis’ cheek.

“Lou…” Harry tried to regulate his breathing. Louis wasn’t saying what Harry thought he was; there was no way. He balled his hands into fists to keep them from shaking and held them at his side.

“I pushed you in the dirt because you were cute,” Louis said. “And I was never scared of thunder storms, I just wanted you to cuddle me at night. And James asked me to winter formal, but I said no because I wanted to go with you. And before I left for university, I stole your green sweater because it was old and comfortable and no matter how much I washed it, it always smelled like you.”

Harry watched him silently, barely comprehending the words streaming from Louis’ mouth. The blood was moving through his body at a rapid pace; he could feel it speeding through his veins, heating every inch of him.

“And I was always so crazy about celebrating our anniversary,” Louis went on. “Because it was an excuse to kiss you other than ‘hey, we’re drunk and bored.’ I never wanted to be drunk when I kissed you. I didn’t want you to be drunk. I just wanted you.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Harry asked.

“Why didn’t you?” Louis asked, looking up at him.

“I did,” Harry said. “Almost a year ago. You could have…I don’t know, but I told you how I felt.”

“I was scared,” Louis said. “I thought that I had moved on because of Liam, then you said that you loved me, and it was scary. It’s still scary because I love Liam, but it’s nothing compared to what I feel for you. It terrifies me. What if I screw it up, and I lose you? For real, this time? I wouldn’t know what to do.” 

“Lou, I’m literally not ever going anywhere,” Harry said. He knelt in front of Louis and cupped his face. “Whether I’m your best friend or…something else. You’re always going to have me. There’s nothing you can do to change that.”

“You swear?”

Harry took Louis’ hands and pulled him from his spot on the wall. He dragged him over to the spot where they first kissed and placed a shaking hand on Louis neck. Louis was always the one to initiate their kiss, but he clung to Harry’s waist and looked up at him expectantly. Slowly, Harry leaned in and pressed his lips to Louis’. Louis took a step closer, closing the gap between their bodies, and moved his lips against Harry’s.

“I swear,” Harry said when the broke apart. Louis sighed and laid his head on Harry’s shoulder. Harry ran his hands up and down Louis’ back. “I love you.”

“Does this mean I get to kiss you more than once a year?” Louis asked.

“I don’t know,” Harry said. “I’m sure we can work something out.” Louis jabbed him in the side. Harry laughed and kissed the top of Louis’ head. “Come on. We’ll pick up a proper latte on the way out of town.”

“Wait. Just a few more minutes, ok?” Louis hurried back to the wall and dug out his keys. He hunched over the space, and Harry couldn’t see was he was doing until he straightened up with a satisfied smile on his face. Harry bent over Louis’ shoulder and saw he had scratched a sloppy L + H into one of the bricks.

“See? Now even if we’re not here every year, we still kind of are,” he said. He kissed Harry’s cheek and got up. He slung his bag onto his shoulder and held out his hand. Harry filled with spaces between Louis’ fingers with his own.

As they started down the street, Louis began talking about which room they should move into. Louis’ was bigger, but Harry’s had a better view. Harry let him talk, knowing Louis would eventually settle on a decision by himself. Harry hardly cared where they slept.

Before they rounded the corner where Harry’s car was parked, he took a last glance over his shoulder. He knew they probably wouldn’t go back the next year, maybe not even the year after that. Sure, they would probably stop there during holiday, maybe slow down a little and look at it fondly as they passed in their cars, but they didn’t need it like they did before.

On that side of the building, on the little microscopic piece of earth, they had fallen in love. Now they had the rest of the world to explore together, and Harry was eager to get started.


End file.
